[MUST READ]:5 BAD ASS NIGERIANS WHOSE LIVES WOULD MAKE AWESOME MOVIES

I actually siphoned this from someone else's blog but it is just too awesome to not read, so enjoy the most badass nigerians ever (if there is anything like that) please do well to leave your comments:                                                                                                                                                     BADASS: Def: Ability to do things others could/would not do and do them in such a way that people are left wondering how and why, while either being filled with dread or fear or awe. 

Before we go on, let me just say that if you’re living in Nigeria, just the fact of your survival is badass.
Give yourself a hand.
But from among us few individuals have risen whose badassdom is of such nature that we would go to the cinemas, pay for tickets, buy some popcorn and watch 2 hours of their lives play out on screen.

WOLE SOYINKA: Writer and Rebel

For the uninitiated, Wole Soyinka appears to be nothing more than the National mascot for old venerable wise men who should be listened to but are not. It’s the beard I think.So fluffy and white.

You may know him for his Nobel prize. Or for the books he’s written which you may have had to read in Secondary school.

What you may not know is that this guy

Was once this guy

And this younger roguish version of himself spent a lot of time looking for trouble, inciting the populace and generally leading a life of great excitement.

With a script taken directly from his life, the movie of Soyinka’s life will be filled with many moments of taut tension. The movie will show his face, young and earnest, as he founds the first confraternity, pronounced today as ‘cult’.

The camera cuts to him, going on radio to publicly challenge the results of the 1964-1965 Nigerian elections. We see him arrested and tossed in the back of a black maria.

We see him squinting as he steps into the sunlight, a free man, 3 months later.

We see him trying to avert the Nigerian civil war, and languishing in prison for two years as a result.

We see as he struggles to survive in prison with no medical attention, no books or writing material.

Ever the rebel, we see as he manufactures his own ink and begins keeping a prison diary. We hold our breaths as he writes his poetry on cigarette packets and toilet paper and smuggles these out.

After his release in 1967, Wole Soyinka takes one look at the country which has spurned and mistreated him, and leaves.

In 1975, our hero returns, because (dramatic pause and look into the mid distance) “His work was not yet done.”

He receives the Nobel Prize.

A few years later,the military smash down his door: “Where is he,” they yell, at the frightened occupants. “Where is the man Soyinka?”

Suspense. Tension. Will he be caught. Is he finally done for?

No, our man has escaped to the Nigeria/Benin border.

The camera catches his face as he takes one long look at the country he loves, the country which is so determined to kill him, and he smuggles (himself) off into the sunset. Into exile.

The movie could end here, but that’s not the end of the story: He still continued(s) some of the badass things he’s known for: Getting tried for treason by Sani Abacha, speaking out against rigged elections, and condemning evil men in power making stupid decisions.

Real life hero, ladies and gentlemen.

And our very own.

The actor to play this is so obvious, it’s ridiculous.

Morgan Freeman.

And a Good Title Would be

THE MAN DIDN’T DIE

(I’m still working on this one.)

OLUSEGUN OBASANJO: The Slippery Man Of Intrigue

When Mandela died earlier this year, the thought flitted across many Nigerian minds: “Who is our own Mandela? Who can we look up to as the symbol for freedom and rebellion against oppression?”

Well I am glad to inform all that if you were looking for a man to be our Mandela, to stand for all the things he stood for and mean what Mandela meant to his people, it would NOT be this man:

But if you were looking for a man, who’s life would become a movie akin to say, Long Walk To Freedom, with prison time and intrigue and political hoodlumery, then Olusegun Obasanjo is your man.
Oh he may not have been a man of integrity, but a man of intrigue? Why, certainly, Sir. Certainly.
First of all, this was the man that commanded the Army’s 3 Marine Commando Division that basically fought the battle that brought the civil war to an end. So, right, he was a Commando.

Now, guess who did NOT participate in the military coup of 1975, but ended up as the Murtala’s second in command?

Okay, okay, then when Murtala was killed during Col. Dimka’s attempted coup, guess who got away untouched?

And became the Number one man in the country?

Then in a move so brilliant and so cunning, guess who handed the reigns of the country over to civilian rule with an innocent look on his face like: “Who? Me? What? Rule this country? Never.”
And then, years later, when Abubakar Abdulsalam was doing the same thing, viz: handing over the reigns of the country to civilian rule with an innocent look on his face, guess who stepped up and was like: “Guys? Me! Over here. Pick me! Pick me!”

And guess who won the election?

Guess who got through his 2 terms, got away with not being liked, got away with almost being impeached repeatedly, with sneakily pushing for a 3rd term, and with telling an obnoxious student rep “Your Fada!” on national TV, among other things?

We are all survivors, but this man does it better than all of us.

Movie Title: 12 Years The King (Give or Take a Few)
Played by Segun Arinze.

Lawrence Anini aka Anini: The One Man Mopol

The notorious Anini was born in Benin and seemingly made it his life’s ambition to go down in history as the baddest guy to ever liveth.
This dude murdered, pillaged, robbed his way through life and apparently, took only one picture:

Seriously.

His nickame? The Law. Because, as a matter of fact, he was.
This dude literally spent his early years being Jason Statham: transporting goods for kingpins and gangsters, criminal godfathers and thieves.
After a while, we assume he got bored and decided to branch out into car-jacking, bus robbing and bank thievery.

This guy wasn’t no joke, he had the police in his pocket, and when they reneged on the deal and sent a couple of his goons to prison, nine police officers died in the space of 3 months, and not from natural causes.
This guy would rob, steal and pillage, and then in a really smart but totally dick move, he would spread his booty along the road for people to pick up.
(Get your mind out of the gutter).

Then he would write letters to the police, taunting them, and effectively calling himself Robin Hood.
This movie is practically writing itself. I’m not making this up.
There are 2 rumours about him, that I think must make it into his movie.
The first is that mothers would use the name Anini to scare their children. As in: Be good or Anini will get you.

The second is that once, with police in hot pursuit, he drove miles at top speed to escape capture. And did this driving in reverse.

In friggin’ reverse.

Headlines based on and around him at the time include: ‘Anini Challenge’, the ‘Anini Saga’, the ‘Anini Factor’, ‘Lawrence Anini – the Man, the Myth’, , and ‘Lawrence Anini: A Robin Hood in Bendel’, ‘Will they ever find Anini, “The Law”?’ and ‘Anini, Jack the Ripper’ by a Newspaper editor with an over-active imagination.

Anini met his end in a rather anti-climactic way: police simply walked into his room and found him chilling. Then they shot his leg off and took him to prison.
And then, this hardened career criminal preceded to perform a complete 180 and began snitching on everyone and everything with gusto.

The larger lesson, kids, is that crime doesn't pay. And isn't big in the health benefits department either.

Movie Title: Anini: Robbing Hoods
Played by: Jim Iyke

Fela Anikulapo Kuti aka Fela: Lone Ranger

Any bio of the African icon Fela will include: multi-instrumentalist, musician, composer, pioneer of the Afrobeat music genre, and human rights activist.
They always forget to leave out Badass Specialist.

Fela, in true reality of the word, was really the one man army, the lonesome rebel fighting against the machine.
Here he was just making music, getting his band together, and along the wayinventing Afrobeat.

Eventually, he made music so powerful, the government sent a thousand friendly soldiers down to Kalakuta republic to investigate.
Their investigation involved smashing everything, beating Fela up and throwing his mother through a window. Not cool guys. Not cool at all.
When his mother died from her injuries, Fela, the lone warrior, the single maverick, the heroic troublemaker, took her body to Dodan barracks where Obasanjo lived, a pretty ballsy move. Then he dedicated two songs, “Coffin for Head of State” and “Unknown Soldier”, to the evil military.

Then a year later, Fela married 27 wives on the same day, because when you’re totally badass, you can celebrate the anniversary of the government beating you up any damn way you want.

Don’t mess with me

Ever the rebel, Fela succeeded in getting himself banned from Ghana, when riots broke out during a performance of his hit song: Zombie.

Then he put together his political party, movement of the people, in order to run for president.
In my personal opinion, the sight of the Nigerian President, lounging in underwear and rolling a joint, is one the world has been cheated off.

Tell the Ghanaian ambassador to suck my…

Fela also got charged with currency smuggling, toured internationally, got sent to prison, got charged with murder, and single-handedly infuriated and caused more sleepless nights to more Presidents and leaders than anyone we can remember, except Mr Ibu.

Near the end of his life, he said, “I believe there is a plan…I believe there is no accident in our lives. What I am experiencing today completely vindicates the African religions…I will do my part…then I’ll just go, man…Just go!”
Then he told the doctors to leave him the hell alone and JUST WENT. Like a boss.

Movie Title: Ransomed.

Played by: Cuba Gooding Jr

Shina Rambo

The most important thing to know is that the original Shina Rambo is this guy

and not this guy

It is also instructive to know that HKN’s Shina Rambo is not HKN’s B-Red

Had me confused there for a minute.

Anyway, the real Shina Rambo was a terrible person.
Shina Rambo was a sad new telegram on a rainy day. Shina Rambo was a bad news bear, and I’m not even sure what those are.
He restricted his badassery to being downright nasty.
If you really want to understand what I mean, please read his wikipedia page, written by a very excited and over-enthusiastic individual, I must say.
We’ll recount the highlights of his life, as quickly as possible. They are not pleasant.

-At age 7, he learnt how to assemble a gun from watching his father (a career criminal, himself)
-Survived 2 attacks from his father who tried to shoot him and later at night behead him with a friggin’ machete.
-Became a nasty, very successful and dangerous armed robber.

Allegedly, Sina Rambo confessed to pounding 27 live new born babies in the mortar with a pestle, cutting off about 100 human tongues and cooking them to eat, living in an Iroko tree for days, and sleeping in the cemetery.

From here, things get really horrible.

He lived inside more trees. Then he killed the 9 herbalists who prepared his magic so they wouldn’t ever reveal his secrets. Then he slept with his mother.
He once stole 40 cars and drove them from Lagos to Cotonou unchallenged. He once spent 50 million Naira in a day.

Then he got caught. Went to prison. Met Jesus and became a changed man.
Upon being pardoned, he left his robbing ways to become a preacher.
Some would argue that in this country, that’s about the same thing.

As a matter of fact we shouldn’t make this movie. It’s too horrific and unbelievable. Plus, it seems no one’s sure the man preaching now as Shina Rambo is actually Shina Rambo.
Apparently, he got killed.
Is he dead?
Is he alive?
Did he fake his own death and use his skills to pursue a career in politics?

You know what? Scrap it. Let’s not make this movie. Let’s just leave this one alone.

Movie Title (If we were making it): Shina Rambo (No Relations)

Actor: Djimon Hounsou

What? They kinda look alike.

Kinda.

Is there anybody else? Let us know.

Don't forget to leave your comments

sourced from MI ABAGA